Dealing With Extreme Circumstances

I’ve been living under circumstances that most people would not consider normal.

I don’t technically have a home. I don’t technically own a car. And I don’t technically have a girlfriend anymore.

The first two are things I’ve dealt with for about 5 years now. The latter is something that I seem to deal with on a yearly basis, regardless of how many people I try dating or establish relationships with.

One person I started seeing just broke it all off.

Another person that I’ve been seeing for about 7 months asked to take a break.

And another person that I’ve been dating for over a year is looking for work out of state and moving away.

That effectively leaves me alone in the area where I work.

Having contracted HSV last year from another ex as they were leaving, my dating prospects are slim. I’ve tried dating so hard, and it has been a complete uphill battle.

But I’ve found solace in two things, independence and money.

I keep all of my bills to about 1/2 of my take home pay. Of what’s left, 1/2 pays a little for me to live on and 1/2 goes to savings.

Without anyone to date, I cut down considerably on what I spend on a day to day basis. It’s how I live under “extreme circumstances”.

I’m almost like a migrant worker in some foreign country that happens to speak my language, living out of hotel rooms, eating very little, spending most of my time working, and just trying to pass through as much time as possible so that the money accumulates faster.

And then, at the end of the day, I’ll find myself wanting to get away and I’ll have some money in the bank for a little unique get away to a far off place.

I used to travel quite frequently. And this year, I also travelled quite a bit as part of dating. But that lifestyle is best suited when one has another person in their life. Going to meet someone, or going somewhere with someone is quite nice. But I’ve never been one to travel alone.

When I’m on my own, I have fewer reasons to travel. I want to share my experiences with someone. I don’t want to just share experiences on Facebook, or make memories that only I can talk about.

So, when I am not expressing this independence, I’m just working on money. And what makes that an extreme circumstance for me is the fact that I don’t live the life that I want.

What I want to do with my life is to first share experiences personally and intimately with someone I love. Second, to share some of those experiences through my writing. Third, to be happy with my work because it is funding my experiences.

If life were all about working to pay bills to survive to continue working to pay bills to survive ad nauseum… what’s the point? If life can’t be experienced, if we find ourselves just a hamster on a wheel without attaining a goal to do the things in life that we enjoy, we may as well just turn in our humanity.

Some people say, do what you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life. But the idea there is to just replace work with fulfilling work. Make “live to work” your dream, so you don’t have to dream anymore, is how that seems to me and the kind of work that I do. And I’m not that kind of person.

I work to live. And this is the extreme circumstance because all I have now is my work. I’m on pause. I’m waiting to live, at some point, far in the future.