So, it’s been a weird month. I’ve spoken to my first wife, second wife, first love, and the other longest love who was neither first nor married to. Not to mention meeting a new androgynous person, trying to work out time to figure out when to meet another special friend for drinks, and all the while, keeping my LTR girlfriend happy.
Oh yeah, and I’m in the process of changing my name.
Yep, that’s polyamory folks!
Let me start from the beginning.
First, I wrote a blog post recently about the questionable second wife, whom consumed about 30% of my book.
Well, I cut her off and made the vault permanent. We had a less than joyful conversation, and well, I just called it quits. She’s in make up mode with the guy she’s broken up with about 10 times, and I just need that ball of bullshit far far away from me.
I sent her three videos of goodbye. Beck’s “Nobody’s Fault But My Own”, OK Go “This Too Shall Pass”, and the final death scene in Kill Bill when Bill dies.
I’m weird and cryptic like that.
What it came down to was that she couldn’t even fully be a friend. She’d disappear on me, going through some strange dance of keeping me secret from her boyfriend, as usual. Sure, her and I have been having sex about twice a year since she left me. Her place, my place, her new place, her new new place, hotel room… And it always lasts about 3 days to a week. It used to last longer, but now she will reach out to contact me and not even last 24 hours before going batty.
Now, this is why when I wrote my book, I’d cut off contact for the last time. But, I didn’t block her. I’ve never hated the woman enough, I suppose. I loved her this whole time, and always hoped the best for her.
And while I’d never be a “thing” with her again, and certainly wouldn’t “help” her get out anymore for reasons stated in the book, I never closed the door on conversation, a nice dinner every month or so, maybe some cuddling to watch a movie, maybe a little hanky panky.
For me, that’s not a big deal. I’m poly, and I’ve been open about this to my poly partners.
But I finally had to put my foot down on all contact. I did so temporarily as seen in the last blog post. But now, it is permanent.
I wasn’t aware that someone could be used as a friend. And it took less than a few days to feel that my friendship was being used, as though I were a springboard. Check in with DeWayne (I’m now Legio, go read the Essay section), and then run back to the boyfriend. It’s like… make sure I have an out, and then I run back and ignore DeWayne.
Yeah, screw you, bitch, lol. I mean, I meant a very good goodbye to her, and I wish her well, and it’s not as though she did anything horrible to me this past week except for cause me stress.
But, I’m going to say this once. No.
At least I did send her off with more fanfare than she’s ever sent me off with. I was the sentimental one. She was the one who played favorites, and if another was her favorite, then fuck me.
There was no “I love you”, and maybe I should thank her for that? I didn’t want to say it, and I don’t feel it. For the first time in 4 years, I think I’m over it. I think so long as I thought of her as a friend, I kept that fire burning even if only as someone you just always care for.
But I found that this week, I really don’t care for her. In fact, when I look back, she’s really just been a cunt, lol. I mean, it was take until she was on her feet, then go away. I never got anything out of the friendship. She has a brand new car, and did anyone come to have lunch with me on a free weekend? No.
I was just “easy” for her in a Fight Club “single serving friend” sort of way. And that’s manipulative. I tend to be easy going. I have another situation where someone has cancelled on me, then was shitty to me, but I won’t write about that except to say that I’ve tried to stay cheerful, but it’s really wearing thin.
And then, just a couple days after wife #2 got cut the fuck off, I had a surprise message. So, I’ve not spoken of this relationship for a very long time, and I rarely tell the story anymore.
Just ask Wife #1 who had to hear it for years, and actually met her.
I wish I could post a picture of my first love, but I won’t include the picture or her name for her privacy. Let’s just say, when I was with her, we were both virgins… Ok, I’m going to be fucking straight… I was a virgin, and she told me she was a virgin, and we’ll leave it at that, lol. I’m a trusting person, but I’m not an idiot.
Anyways, when I was with her, I was completely love struck. It’s what made me believe in soulmates. And we met in a situation I may write about later. And that situation kept us from ever having sex. I think we only kissed twice.
I always had two regrets. I regret I didn’t lose my virginity to her. I always felt that was how the story was supposed to go. We were a real life Romeo and Juliet.
My other regret was that we never actually fucking dated. Again, due to the situation. We were together for nearly a year and a half, though its hard to say when it started and when it stopped. I still have her handwritten letters stored away somewhere. There are a lot, and it was enough to even make the adults who knew melt and back us up completely.
But once the situation got in the way. We fought just to be in the same room with each other. We paid a hell of a price, and that drove a type of codependence that wasn’t entirely unhealthy, and that’s a rare admission you’ll get from me. Sometimes, another person helps you through something… And only her and I know what that experience was like.
Let’s just say, it was like being in war with someone.
I went to extreme lengths. I was still a naive romantic.
And she… is the reason my naive romantic… died.
I fought for nearly 4 years after the situation and we were separated by distance. I was a hacker at the time, and used to spend all my free time tracking her as best I could. I’d get a location, and I’d send a message, or a book, or a card. I got to visit her once, and she visited me once (with my girlfriend at the time who about 8 years later became Wife #1).
So, when I finally gave up, when I last saw her… I think I was about 19 or 20.
That was about 18 years ago. 18… fucking… years…
And not once, not one single time, did she reach out to me after that meeting. So, imagine Romeo and Juliet, except instead of faking death, Juliet just moved about 4 hours away from “fair Verona”, and never contacted Romeo again.
At that point, the story ends very, very differently, doesn’t it.
And last night, I get a message on an internet chat program she’d found me on, “DeWayne!”
I was stunned into absolute silence. Between Wife #2 appearing and being shut out after not talking to her for about a year, this happened just days later.
“Holy shit…” That was my reply, no joking.
Holy shit indeed.
She probably sensed I was suspicious, and send a pic that I used to find her on Facebook.
The person I remember was cute, with a high lisping voice that always made me want to reach out and grab her. She was a bit on the chubby side, and is probably why I sought out bigger girls for many years afterwards.
Wife #2, btw, has put on like 50-100 pounds in a year (I can’t judge weight, but it’s a HUGE difference… I’d never seen her so big! She told me the issues with abusive boyfriends drover her to eat all the time… sigh.)
But first love? No, not chubby anymore, which is why I wish I could show you a picture. Everything I found stunning about her then, became absolutely fucking GORGEOUS over the past 18 years. And she thinned down quite a bit while keeping all the best curves. Jesus H Christ, scores a near 10 on my fuckability rating.
And that’s all I got. Hi, I’m alive, here’s a pic, we’ll talk soon, god bless (guess she doesn’t know what’s changed)…
And I have one question. Why now? Why not at any point over, I dunno, the past 18 fucking years when I’ve never lived more than a couple hours away?
And that’s the only question I have. Why now?
I don’t know, haven’t gotten an answer. Shit, I’ve lived 20 different lives in the past 18 years.
One thing that worries me is bad news. Jenny didn’t get ahold of Forrest Gump cause everything was peachy. For all I know, she’s dying of cancer and I’m one of her life’s regrets.
Or, at the opposite end of the specturm, she got high/drunk and I was some weird random thing and she’s now going “Oh shit, why’d I do that?”
I felt about her like I felt about Wife #2, only longer. I felt that pain all the way until I was 26, and asked Wife #1 to marry me, and she was elevated so much higher than anyone in my eyes… the faithful one, the one who wouldn’t run away. HAH! Life is a fucking trickster, eh?
This first love is so distance, that the emotion has been whitewashed from the memories. I honestly can’t even recreate the feelings I felt then when I relive any of the memories. I’m so far from that guy. And I don’t have a fucking clue who she is now.
To be honest, we were kids. We didn’t know who each other was back then. It was that blind love you get when you just want them, and you can’t see faults nor cared.
And I blame Adele. I wonder if Wife #2 and First Love heard that song Hello, which I’m listening to right now.
I listen to it… and it. Hell, it breaks my heart. I have a post I made private on a social network.
I talked about First Love, Second Love, both wives, and several others, and how I hated that their eyes were judging me. And this song brought that feeling out. How much I just wanted one more chance to let them all know that I did love them, no matter how things ended or what is felt now… I went through a little depression. I translated that into a generic post on Past Loves on this blog…
Did Adele bring them back? Am I the guy being sung to? Are they the one’s singing?
It spooked me so much that I texted Wife #1. I asked her if she was planning anything weird, and explained what had happened. I talk to Wife #1 regularly as we share a son. We never lost touch, but we’re far from real friends. That, I do regret. But, pretty sure she got over me pretty damn quick.
Anyways, I’m still waiting on the answer from First Love. And I have other questions and thinking of how to summarize 18 years in text messages.
Christ, I wrote a nearly 500 page book, and that didn’t even cover half that amount of time.
So, what are my questions?
Why now? Why not before? Why did you run when the situation went away and I was standing right there offering everything and you had loved me just as much? What happened to you? Do you care what happened to me?
And I have another choice. And I wonder if the universe is offering me some chances here.
I’ve put Wife #2 behind me. My conscience is clear.
Is First Love here to be a new chapter, or to close a very old chapter with some type of closure like Wife #2?
And I have another to think about, my current LTR who I’ve been telling all this to already.
I don’t want to write about her here. She’s her own post. And she’s special to me. I’ve already talked about her in my MonoPoly post a little bit, but I want to profile her and our relationship all on its own.
I think I wrote this post to get this shit off my chest to be able to do that.